First day of school

We got back from our 3 week trip to Costa Rica (a post to come, I promise) in the wee hours of Saturday morning. Then on Monday Lilly started preschool. Yeah, we like to just jam everything together like that. Or not.

Anyway, she had the weekend to rest up and she was so excited to get to finally go to school! Backpack, check. Lunchbox, check. Tissues for mommy, check.

She is going to a 4-year-old kindergarden class at a local Christian school, but it's the equivalent of preschool. All of the school kids met in the gym to begin with prayer and were then dismissed by class. I stood back and watched as Lilly sat with her new little peers. When her class was dismissed I gave her a kiss and watched them file out of the gym. And then I cried.

All I could think of was how I had spent the last 4 1/2 years with her at almost every moment. Except for very short periods, I shared in what she was doing all of the time. I knew every moment of her day. And now as she disappeared from my sight, a new and foreign way of living began. She would spend 4 hours, 3 times a week living experiences that I was oblivious to. Granted, I knew the gist of her schedule and was welcome to talk to her teacher or even visit her classroom any time I wanted, but it wasn't the same. I panicked when I realized that I would ask her each day how her day was and would only get a 4-year-old's response. Not enough! I wanted a minute-by-minute account of her day!

I cried more as I realized that this was just the first tiny step of letting go as a parent and then I cried again as I thought about how quickly I'd be taking her to college. To be fair, I was also hormonal.

Not that is even in the same league, but I couldn't help wondering if my feeling of separation pain was a fraction of what it's like for a birth-parent to release their child to an adoptive-parent. For the first time, I FELT the panic of having been so close to my child and forcing myself to allow her some experiences without me.

I knew Lilly would have a great day but still cried as I went to the bank and I might have gotten a little misty-eyed in the grocery store. On one hand it was great to grocery shop without interruption, on the other I felt like I was missing a part of myself. Unloading the groceries in peace at home was, however, blissful. I ate my lunch, called a friend and then it was time to go get Lilly.

From what I can decipher, she had a great day. She told me all about Curious George finding bananas and that a boy hit her on the playground. She cried when that happened but then she got better. I *may* have called her teacher later when she was resting to hear that she did fine on her first day. Can you say "first-time parent?" I was not surprised to hear that Lilly wanted to keep playing when it was time to change activities, but that is part of why preschool will be so good for her.

So, we made it through the first day of Lilly's school career. I baked brownies while she was gone to have as a special "first-day-of-school-this-is-so-exciting special treat." Truth be told, I'm not sure if they were more for her or for me, but I figured we both deserved it!