I'd been wondering if I should post an update on this, and then got a comment asking about it. So... here goes.
Remember that whole post about pursuing fertility treatments for child # 2? I am thankful for the prayers that were prayed on our behalf, because we feel solid in our decision.
Despite the thoughts and feelings that were triggered by my birthday, I/we feel certain that going down that road (of further testing/treatment) is not the way for us. There are several reasons that led to this, most of which I'm not comfortable putting out in blog land, but it all boils down to the fact that I know that it would not be wise for me to pursue a pregnancy. The easiest way to describe where I'm at now is this... (I say "I" because it was me feeling the pull to try in the first place. Elliott was supportive of whatever I needed to do.) I know in my gut that our kids are both to come to us through adoption. I may feel occasional losses regarding not being the only mother my kids have had, but that's okay.
One of my friends really helped me get this with an analogy. She was talking about how even in birthing your children you can have disappointments. A woman who has her heart set on a natural birth can end up having a cesarean and feel like she missed out on something important. She might always feel a little sad about what she didn't get to experience, but it doesn't mean that she needs a natural birth to be whole. Sometimes there are just things in life that don't go the way we thought they would, and it's okay to feel sad about them sometimes. I don't know if that translates, but it was exactly what I needed to hear to put this in the proper place.
So, we just updated our profile with Birth Connection since our other one was a year old. We're antsy and anxious and want another child yesterday, but keep reminding ourselves that God will bring the right child at the right time, just like he did with Lilly.
And as for the tough parts of adoption, I know they're there. Perhaps knowing some things will make it easier this next time. And while there will not doubt be surprises and challenges along the way, I trust that God is right with us as we bump along the road he put us on.
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Hi Wendy,
I keep an eye on your blog and was touched by the struggle you have all been going through about adoption etc. I can't begin to understand how it must feel, but wanted to try to encourage you all a bit. Even with our 3'biological' kids we have been reminded by God at various times that they are really His and that he has loaned them to us to look after. The timing of their arrival, their health, their personalities - all are a gift from him and we are blessed to play some part in all of it. I know Anne would agree with the analogy of a mum feeling like she missed out even when delivering her own child as that is pretty much how she felt after Rachel was born. Anyhow may God continue to bless the three of you as you wait for number four to be brought into your lives. I wont give any glib words about patience or God's timing as you've walked this path once before and know what it is like, but may it be an easier, straighter and more graceful journey this time through.
Your distant chums - Rob and Anne Cairncross.
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