Decisions, decisions

So I just turned 36. I know... the downhill slide to 40 is underway.

The day of and day after my birthday I was struck with the fact that I'm not getting any younger (duh!), and if I ever wanted to try any fertility procedures, the clock was really ticking. Previously we'd had no desire to pursue treatment, and knew that adoption was the path to go down. Suddenly though, I had a change of heart and wanted to try a few things while still continuing the active wait with The Birth Connection.

So, after talking with Elliott (and of course crying as I tried to explain my sudden change of feelings) we agreed to schedule a consult with a specialist in Roseville. The appointment is now scheduled, I have the packet of information, and now I'm having second thoughts. I drive MYSELF crazy. Poor Elliott.

It boils down to this. We don't know why I can't conceive. If we want to spend $450 we MIGHT get a better idea of what the problem is, or we might be no closer to any answer. If we want to spend $800+ (our insurance would cover the rest) we could try one course of treatment that offers only a 15% chance of pregnancy. You can see how it adds up quickly, although in the world of infertility treatment, this is NOTHING.

Part of me wants to know why I can't get pregnant. Even if there is no option of it ever happening, I'd like to know what is wrong so I can wrap it up neatly and put it away for good.

Another larger part of me desperately wants the chance to love our next child from the beginning. It's a horrible feeling to have to protect your heart and wait for permission to love the child that might be yours. I hope that doesn't sound selfish. I absolutely respect the fact that in adoption, the birth mom needs to be sure of her decision, and I would never want to parent a child knowing that his or her birth mom was cheated of the little time she had to make such a huge and painful decision. It's just the nature of adoption, but this time around, I know enough to fear and grieve the inability to just love at first sight.

Maybe I can explain better... After Lilly was born and we got to see her, my first glimpse of her brought an overwhelming swell of awe and love for her. She was easily the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and my heart nearly exploded as my emotions already had. I knew however, that I was not her mommy, not yet, and possibly not at all. So I checked my maternal feelings and locked them behind a wall. It wasn't my time yet. What I didn't know was how hard it would be to allow those to flow again when I was allowed to. Whether out of fear, circumstance, self-protection, or who-knows-what, I had a hard time allowing myself to feel like Lilly's mommy again when we brought her home. And that is precisely what I don't want to happen this next time.

But 15% is not exactly encouraging. And I don't want to throw away money that could be used for adoption expenses in the (likely) event that we end up being part of the 85%.

I don't know why I felt the need to share this with the world. It's obviously a very personal decision. I just had to get it off my chest.

If you are a praying person, would you please join us in asking God for wisdom in this decision? We know that HE knows the right child for our family. I don't want my fears to get in the way of bringing that child home.

And if you read all of this... thanks?... :)